I know what you're thinking.
I can see you sitting there, one hand clamping your nose shut, the other hand pointing some fingers at me.
You're sitting there and you're positive that I'm the one that so horribly fouled the air on the Promenade deck.
I assure you that I did not.
If I had, I would have been proud of that blast of ozone killing global warming iceberg melting ass poison.
I'd have hung around watching, camera at the ready. That way when someone blundered into that airless cloud of doom, I'd have been able to capture their horrified expressions, recorded then as they realize that they're about to suffocate, asphyxiated on the promenade deck by someone sharing some of what's left of yesterday's breakfast or last nights curry.
Some people are nonchalant about farts, some get really offended by them. I tend to be in the first category, it's how I grew up. I didn't have an uncle encouraging me to pull a finger, which is good because I always thought that was stupid.
But I do understand why people are offended by farts...to deliver a blast of colon breath to the dinner table or party, to breathe in what was just up someone's ass is a rather effective appetite suppressor.
Here's a linky to a video that is kind of funny, has no puking but plenty of humour.
And here's a cartoon I found that I think is funny.
Bottom line. hahahaha. I didn't do it...and that's all I'm going to say about that.
This is a story about something that happened, and my telling of it is going to be mostly true with some embellishment to make it even more funny. I hope that is how it will turn out, anyway.
One evening before dinner Val and I were strolling through the Promenade area of the ship, it's deck 5 between the forward and middle elevators. It's also where they've got all the shopping on the ship. Deck 5 also has the top level of the main theater, called Ovation, the top level of the atrium, the library, which has a self serve wine bar in it, the Casino, the kids corral, the club thingy, the piano bar and the comedy club. Busy place, huh?
So we were heading to the candy shop, called "Cherry on Top" and I probably should have taken a picture of that.
Well, AlGore blessed UncleGoogle, I can find a pic of nearly everything and if you think I'm lying, just go to google and ask them to find you a picture of 1000 fleas on a camel's scrotum. Don't do this at lunch time, please.
I'm pretty sure that this all took place on the same day as the drunkfest that we took part in, a welcome aboard party for the bloggers....open bar for an hour or so....there was no charge for this and I really made good use of it. Debi and Val did too...Val had about 3 drinks and was pretty loopy. As always I remained ambulatory, meaning I could navigate my self around the ship without assistance. It's a good thing, too...because who could carry me??? Anyway, we went back to the room and took a nap and a shower and then went to get candy because clearly we had not yet had enough sugar coursing thru our veins.
Like I said the other day, we were right off the middle elevators, so it's a quick easy trip to get there...about 12 steps. Down to 5 and then forward to the shops. There are lots of stores, a liquor and tobacco store, kind of a drug store with all sorts of things that you might need...kind of a wallymart on the high seas. There are several clothing stores, jewelry stores, etc. Often they will have tables of tshirts or watches or chain you can buy by the inch. We make our way past all of that crap and Val goes right for the jelly belly sour pear beans. I don't know why.
The joint has nice zipper top bags, and I put some giant sized malted milk balls in one for my enjoyment.
I leave them for Val to buy and head to the door of the store to loiter and see what is going on. I see a couple (people), mid 20's, average sized, average shaped, average looks, although I wonder if she was a packer's fan...she kinda had that look about her, plus I heard this:
"OMG, someone farted and it really really stinks!" They went on to discuss how whoever it was just have dropped a load and is currently scraping last nights curry out of their drawers with a stick. Immediately I look around for John Heald, but didn't see him.
When I stopped looking around, I realized they were still discussing the state of this person's ass and clothing, and that they were looking at me. I was acting like I had not heard them, which was hard to do because I wanted to laugh my ass off even though it was not me that had dropped the bomb.
I walk toward them to prove that it was not me with a quart of processed burrito dripping down my legs, and when I got with a few feet they said, "hey, man, don't go that way....someone died and shit their pants all at the same time."
I replied that I agreed that sounded serious and reversed direction, but it was too late. Their forward motion and the shifting air currents of the ship, the atrium thermal currents, the air handlers and suction and pump of the glass elevators caused the cloud of putrid foulness to envelope me.
I've been around a lot of bad smells. I've not been to Paris, but I grew up on a farm, we had pigs, I had to clean the farrowing house a few dozen times. We had cows, we even had chickens for a while. That was a big mistake. I worked at the egg place in Lenox, too. I cleaned the grease trap at McDonalds, and I cleaned a fridge on my birthday that had been full at the time the electricity was turned off in early June. AND I had to repair a toilet 2 times that the retard had shit in for 2 weeks prior to us learning that it was not flushing. It was full of shit. That dumbass did this twice! So now you know that my nose hair has been burned out by malodorous conditions many times. I'm not new to bad smells is what I'm trying to tell you. Plus I've been in the bathroom when I've been sitting on the pot....obviously. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
Ok, so this cloud of stench encapsulates me and I start flapping, trying to swim out of it. Somehow the Packers must have only caught the edge of it or they'd be in it still with me...trying to get out. I'd like to see the security footage of me doing the funky chicken gasping for air trying to get out of the vaporized butt expulsion dance.
You know how usually you don't really notice the air that you breathe? It's just the old in and out, in and out, maybe you notice if it's hot or smoky or dusty or really humid. This air, on the other hand? You notice it. Right away. The cloud was somehow firmer than normal air, almost like a gel, kind of a napalm like substance, but somehow still colourless, unlike the inside of that person's pants. Holy moly, what if it was a girl and she was wearing a short skirt? I bet that skirt flapped up like Marilyn Monroe's did on that street shot thingy. The rest of the evening I kept trying to scrape off the cloud residue, my skin felt kind of sticky, felt like there was a residue left after the pollution dissipated.
This air was hot, this air was humid. A lot like the air in a jungle: hot, wet, thick, sticky, and so damn stinky you want to puke.
I saw an episode of Jackass once, the prank where some dude loaded up his guts with something awful; the intent was to go to a place that sells toilets and use one. Karma got them before they got there...they drove around before going in, to make sure he was ready to go, if you know what I mean. Buy they drove too much, and he dropped his load in his pants in the van...and it must have been putrid, because people came piling out of that van puking. Serves the bastards right, in my opinion.
Finally Val gets done paying for the candy...turns out the shopgirl was filling in for the normal girl's break and didn't know how to sell 2 sacks at the same time, even all the stuff was all the same price....
She steps out and sees me in the throes of what looks to be a grand mal seizure, starts to ask what's going on when I see her and holler to her: "keep your mouth shut!"
Here's a linky to a video of a couple that prank each other; this sort of applies.
Of course Val doesn't appreciate being told to keep her mouth shut in public no less, and draws in a big breath thru her mouth.
Whoops.
Should have listened to me, Princess.
She turns green and then blue, because she's coughing and hacking like that time a june bug flew in and did the chicken dance on her tonsils that one time at band camp. That's another story, friends.
Finally the air clears and we return to our normal condition....and every time I think of this episode or someone says "fart" I burst out laughing.
This post will contain some pics of the ship and of islands, maybe some people. If you have questions about the pics, ask and maybe I'll answer!
NO Standing. WTH???
A fork in the road. Next edition: wildlife
Some call it food porn, I don't know why. Maybe they do something with their food that I don't know about, I'm not going to ask and I'm not going to judge what you do with your carrots before or after you peel them.
The ship has a lot of food. I could find some stats, and maybe I will...it's a huge amount of food. We did a galley tour once and we did a behind the scenes tour once, getting to see the coolers, the freezers, the refrigerators. We also saw some dry storage, too....huge amounts of food is prepared and a huge amount is wasted. There are starving people in all of these countries that we're visiting....but no way to get that food to them. So we feed the fishes late at night.
The first thing we do when we board a ship is have lunch. That's about all there is to do, other than walk around, and since you've got some carry on luggage with you, who wants to carry that crap around any longer than you have to? Note: some people say "schlep" and I don't know why. Personally, I think it's a foreign word and I don't speak foreign languages...maybe some day Rosetta Stone will give me a free copy of something and I'll learn it, but don't hold your breath.
We got to the ship pretty early after checking in at the airport cruise desk. It was cheaper for us to shuttle back to the airport and cab to the cruise port than to shuttle to the cruise port. Plus we were able to check in at the airport and that enabled us to go right thru when they were ready. So we were on pretty early, but our room wasn't ready until later, they always estimate 1/130. So off we go up for lunch. It's hard to remember which side is which, which way is which, so I generally get turned around, which is no big deal if I'm alone, because I never leave anything on the table that I want to keep...unless I know exactly where I'm going and have enough bread crumbs so I can get back.
Food at the buffet is average...nothing very good, but nothing terrible either. On our MSC cruise, they had the best sausage linkys that I've ever had. It was probably made from goat scrotum and llama lips, utilizing goose rectum for the casing...but if so, they washed the goose poop clear out of it, because that was good sausage. On the days that I ate upstairs for breakfast, I went to the burrito station, partly because I was able to find it, and all I could find elsewhere was cereal and grapefruit. F'ing grapefruit don't taste anything like grape fruits, either, you know? They taste like my ex-stepmonster and her older sister and brother stared at them while they were growing on that poor tree....and you can bet that tree got no hugs during that glare-fest. I like grapes. Sometimes I peel them with my teeth and imagine that OH never mind about that.
I probably should have taken a pic of the Blue Iguana burrito place and it's salsa station. Back in the good old days I had a light duty pocket camera for those pics and 2 years ago I took a lot more food and general pics, too. Sadly my favorite pocket camera, a Pentax 7 mp Option L30 died after being dropped in the minivan on the Hawaii trip. It was turned on at the time, so Val could see the pic of what we were looking at. Poor dead camera....I've tried to find another one, but have not been able to find one at a reasonable price. :(
Ok, now for some pics.
Desert plate first day
Tea
Sushi appetizer
I don't remember what this was
Best smoothies on St John, with free rum if you wanted it.
Pumpkin squash yam vegetabletarian entree. under the crust it was pretty good
Val's seafood pasta
First tea day, the girls didn't go and asked me to show them what was served. :)
Starfish and conch, fresh...
Debi enjoying a "Guy's Burger"
Val's sister sent a cake for her birthday
I
too had a smoothie in St John
Maaaaaa
Robin also sent strawberries. Must have cost a fortune. Thanks....she loved it.
Debi enjoying her smoothie
Weird seafood trio, salmon, some tartare thingy and seared ahi?
Froggy Legs! not too tasty, though, which was sad.
M
ango cream soup enjoyed the easy way, thru a straw.
M
ore dry fish, mahi mahi this time. The redfish and the snapper was also dry.
synchronized mermaids swimming in a sea of spinach slop
So if you ever saw all the pics we had posted from the first cruises, you know we didn't take very many this year.
Every night we ate dinner in the main dining room, dumbly named Blush. The anytime dining room is called Sapphire, and that's where we ate breakfast most days. We enjoy having the same waitstaff each night for dinner, even though they are "supposed" to remember what we like and want and have it ready each night...for example, each night I had iced tea, Val had a diet coke. The other 2 would change up their drinks, but I had to ask many times each night for the tea. I also had coffee every night, and that was kinda hard to get too. We each had the same bread every night but had to point it out. Not really a big deal, certainly nothing to complain about to anyone that can do something about it.
There's an Italian joint on top of the boat that charges $12 pp for dinner. Lunch is free, and I can see why. We sit around about an hour waiting for a table, they give us the order sheet but they don't tell us to turn the thing in. They don't tell us the drink station is self serve. Finally they bring the grub, and it's crap, absolute rubbish.
There's a sushi joint which we walked past a lot, but didn't partake--I don't know what the cost was. It looked good, smelled good.
There's a steakhouse that charges $30 each, but we didn't go there either. Why pay for dinner when dinner is included with the purchase of our trip?
There's a place near the sushi place that was free, apparently. I didn't figure that out until the last day...that could have save some steps, oh well.
Room service is also included, but I didn't have any of that, either. Pizza is available all day, skipped that too. I only had ice cream from Lido once, got plenty of that as dessert after dinner.
All pop comes from cans, most people pay $60 for an all you can drink pop sticker. That's for 8 days, and includes tax and tip. Coffee, iced tea, lemonade, milk, hot chocolate are all free from Lido and a few other places. Bottled water is outrageous, but lots of people buy it. Tap water is good and free. A glass of beer was over 6, fancy drinks were nearly 10.
And that is all I have to say about food today.
Yep, we went on a cruise last week...and we went on the newest and largest ship that Carnival Cruise Lines has. The ship is 6-8 months out of the shipyard, holds 4200 or so passengers and has about 1400 crew. I think it's about 1100' long; width depends greatly on elevation/altitude.
This was a "bloggers cruise". You may recall a time when I copied and pasted a fine bit of prose from John Heald, the senior cruise director and "brand ambassador" for CCL. He's been writing this blog thing for several years, and they've had 6 annual cruises to celebrate the blog. 600 guests (they call us guests, even though at home, when you have a guest, you don't make them pay for food, beds, drinks, cokes, including a 15% tip on EVERYTHING) were signed up for the bloggyness, which meant we got a few different experiences than the rest of the people on board. Some different shows, a free drink party, etc.
The cruise is out of Miami, and we went to St Thomas (actually went to St John), Antigua, Tortola (actually went to Virgin Gorda), and Nassau. Turns out we went to Nassau twice and San Juan, also. Lots of sick/injured people on this ship.
CCL thinks enough of John that they named this ship after his dog, a German Shepherd. I've only seen one pic of the dog, and he's a great looking dog. I'd find it and post it, but it's also got his kid in the pic. So, here's a dog pic.
This was Duke, this pic was taken in late June of 2010. It's June in the pic, that's why the snow looks moldy.
Some people think I'm always negative and look to find the bad in everything. Those people are not totally wrong, but not nearly right, either. To prove this, I'll post some more pics.
Rust! Right on the front of the boat, overlooking a crew only deck. This spot is right on top of the rail, visible to anyone with functional eyes.
What the hell is this crap? Sold in a shop called "Cherry on Top", a candy store. The next pic is from the same place.
Yeah, $6 for a glass of beer that isn't very good.
The only sunset that I saw on the whole trip.
Dirt!
Ok, I'll show you what else I saw on the crew only deck. Please extend my thanks to AlGore for inventing zoom function on cameras. I'll post 2 pics demonstrating the zoom, too. Those pics will be of our traveling companion, Jim. Weird how many people think Jim is my brother.
The rust pic and the butt pic were taken from the same place, just pointing the camera a different direction and depth of field. :) The last 2 pics were taken from the same location, pointing the same direction, just using the zoom. Pretty big ship. St Thomas, the sky is as blue there as anywhere else!
Our room was located right off the middle set of elevators, a pretty decent location and a decent room once I got Val to quit throwing a fit about lack of storage space. All of our crap fit just fine. The beds were terrible, about as soft as a Fred Flintstone bed. They use 2 small beds to make a queen sized bed, which is weird when you have the beds separated....in the small rooms (cabin) that we always get, having the beds separated allows for more room. It was different in this room, but better, as Val was having to climb over the bed to get in. The desk is right at the foot of the bed, so separating them shoved her bed against the wall. Hard to describe, should have taken a pic, I guess. At the head, there's a narrow closet on the left. Next to that is a lamp/table/cupboard, then my skinny bed, her lamp, and her bed.
In a normal room that we'd get, the closet thingy would be somewhere else, and the beds could be shoved apart about 3 feet, thus giving much more room in the room. Suitcases go under the bed.
The house is so quiet...I hear the clock ticking, and that's it...the fridge is not running right now, there's no other sounds. The ship is so noisy...music everywhere, ventilator fans, toilet suctions, engines, motors, elevators, dingings, kids stomping, doors slamming, etc. And as I write this I wonder: will I cruise again? So much of it is not fun....getting to the port, for example, started Thursday night to diesel away on Saturday. There is so much standing in line: at the buffets, to go to the shows, to get in to dinner, to get off the ship, to get on the ship, to get coffee, to get water, to get lemonade.
So many of the seating areas of the ship are not very comfortable. Deck chairs make my ass go numb, other chairs either lean back too far, are not wide enough for my big butt, or just look gay. Seriously.
I didn't attempt to sit in or on either of those.
I spent a lot of time looking for a cool, quiet comfortable place to sit and read. I spent a lot of time being disappointed and annoyed. So many people running around barefoot and mostly shirtless were complaining about being cold. If you're cold, put on a sweater, because I know that you'd raise hell if I were running around naked.
Overall: I had a good time. I enjoyed most of the shows, most of the entertainment, the food, the ports, etc. The next entries will likely be 2 days, there won't be a minute by minute accounting of what I did; you'll think I spent the entire time in the toilets. :)
Bottom line. hahahaha. I didn't do it...and that's all I'm going to say about that.
