2011 Carnival Legend cruise report, Monday

Sorry for the delay, we had a deviation from the normal scheduled activity.  See, we got Val's mom a new computer, and brought it home to download it's updates and a virus checker.  It took a while on our fairly fast internets, it'd have taken a month on dial up, assuming we can find a modem thingy for it.  It'd be so much easier if they'd just spend 3x for internets and ditch the dial up, then they could internet and Wessy or Sissy could call anytime of the day or night and not get the dreaded busy signal.  Or! they could enjoy internet as AlGore intended instead of sitting on the couch staring at the phone waiting for Wessy or Sissy to call when they expect them to call.  Actually, since they always call in the middle of dinner, they sit there hungry staring at the phone....but enough of that, get on with the good stuff.

Sure, I could have used the new computer to write the bloggy thing, but my shortcut button/favorites button bar isn't on that computer, besides, it has windows 7.

Sure.  I could have used val's laptop to write the bloggy thing...but I can't really type on it.  I'm amazed that anyone can.

Ok.  Monday.  First sea day.  Nothing really planned except for the cruise critic meet and greet or meet and mingle drink-fest boozeathon at 2.  Val and Brenda were going to the steakhouse info-mercial and had some plans, but I didn't have any plans other than to stroll about the ship.  So I went to lido for breakfast.  What a disappointment.  Eggs, watery/runny blech.  Sausage:  a mixture of 5 or 6 in a bucket with onions and peppers.  I like sausage, but not some of them in that mix.  Potatoes, ok, kinda cold.  They have build an omelet, pancakes, loads of stuff scattered about the deck.  I don't feel like standing in a lot of lines, so I just get some stuff, find a seat and eat.  None of it is very good.  BTW, I've got my camera, my dumbly named ebook device and my insulated mug along, and they don't have trays...just huge plates.  I don't dare put anything down at my table and go off for drink or more food, I won't find my way back.  See....it's sea day, everyone is there, it's crowded, and every area looks the same.  Makes me crabby.

Off I go to find a comfortable place to sit to read.  Maybe I'll find my spot outside.  I don't even try the lounge chairs by the pool.  I could sit on one, but for reading...nope.  I go on down to the "serenity deck", which is a small area on the back of the ship (aft), has some hammocks, some big circle chairs, some lounge chairs and NO KIDS!  Turns out on this cruise, there are very few kids anyway.  All areas full.  Down to deck 2.

I find an ok chair or couch thing, and sit there a while.  I leave after I get tired of all the people being confused over the handicapped restroom.  "it says ladies and gentlemen!"  So just go down 3 more steps to the ladies room.  I went to the "enchanted forest", what a joke.

It's kinda dark, but it's supposed to be a cozy place for quiet conversation, etc so on.  It's got trees on the ceiling and walls, the chairs are made of sticks, etc.  not comfortable.  I wander around some more, I find the "secret deck" which is a crew area, this is where you could pretend that you're Leon DCappuchino on board the Titanic.  Not when he draws the naked girl, or even when he has rumpypumpy with her, it's the other place, the one on deck.

I go thru the "library" which is full of computers and fake books, and a few locked cabinets with real books in them.  Not sure how you get one out.  Break the case?  I imagine you'd wind up like Leon with handcuffs around the pipe then!

Nice use of space, huh?

Into the "sports bar" which is right next to the casino, which is smoky.  Looks like a lot of salt in this windowsill.

Cleanliness is next to godliness, or something like that, huh?  I suppose I should have tested one of those lumps, to see if it was indeed salt.  What else could it be?  meth?  The chairs suck, there is throwball on the tv, I get the hell out of there.

I finally settle on the area outside Billie's piano bar, pretty comfortable, decent light.  Plus there is a shapely girl in a bikini applying sunscreen.  This helps a lot.  I sit and read for a while and then move on.  I finally found the most comfortable place, outside the "legend cafe", they had 8 weird looking chairs, but they were comfortable. I sit there and read until I realize I better get some lunch or the boozeathon will be no fun at all.

I must have went to the lido for lunch buffet, but I really don't remember.  Seems like I had some fried chicken, some corn bread that wasn't....I just don't remember. None of it was great.

Cruise Critic meet and greet, scheduled for 2 @ Billies bar.  This was set up by a dude, I paid in advance...basically it's open bar for an hour, cost: about $11.50.  Best value on the ship, when a single drink is about $6.  A can of coke is over $2.  Cruise Critic is a forum for cruisers to bitch about the cruises they didn't like and blab about the good times they had.  People can post questions and answers to the questions.  Like I said, it's an internet forum.  It melted my crabbyness away.  It officially ended at 3, but I hung around until closer to 4, then went to the room.  Took a little nap, got dressed for dinner.  Formal night, so I'm going to wear a buttony shirt and a tie. 

Dinner was lobster and shrimp, which was good.  what do I have for pics?

I suppose that Carnival figgers that everyone has ADHD and needs constant entertainment, so every night at dinner, the waiters either sing a song or dance to a song.  Tonight, they are singing to us.  You KNOW we're trend setters, right?  Hey, I figger if I dance with her at dinner when no one else in the joint is dancing, it'll get me off the hook for the rest of the trip.  Besides, it makes all the other fellers look bad and get hit on the arm.  I could almost hear the "whispers"..."LOOK!  THE FAT GUY IS DANCING, WHY WON'T YOU DANCE WITH ME??? YOU BASTARD!!! STOP LOOKING AT HER BUTT!!" Lots of people complain about the dancing and the singing during dinner, but we kinda liked it.  They give you 2 hours for dinner, might as well enjoy it, make the most of it.

I don't remember what this was, but it was excellent.  The sauce was awesome.

We went to see a show, a comedian or 2, looked at our pics and back to the room.  I had sent the senior cruise director a note about dinner, wrote in a funny story, and he sent a bottle of bubbly wine, a ship trophy and a short letter.  Pretty nice.  So there you see Val and our decorated door.  We went to bed, tomorrow is a busy day!

2011 What I don't want for Christmas:

Taking a break from the cruise review to post a (hopefully) humorous listing of what I don't want and why.

Jewelery:  I don't want it because I don't like it, actually.  I wear my glasses and wedding ring.  I've looked at rings, watches, necklaces and I never see anything that I like.  My watch, which I can't find...came from WallyMart, for about $5.  The band:  is leather and fastens with velcro.  The band is the most comfortable watchband that I've ever worn.  But!  I can't find it, so maybe I'd like for someone to find my watch for me as a Christmas gift.

GPS:  I actually enjoy the challenges of navigation.  I don't enjoy buying an electronic device, some means of attaching it to the car, paying extra for map upgrades, paying for "Lifetime" map upgrades, only to find that they don't support the unit anymore, thus rendering it to be useless.  I can see some benefits to it, the POI, for example, but I've followed people using GPS units....and that is another story in itself.

Super duper extra hot sauce.  Don't waste your money on this crap. I don't like it, I won't use it, it'll just sit on my shelf until I throw it away.  Just because I don't think ketchup, catsup, or cocktail sauce to be spicy doesn't mean that I like extra spicy stuff.  I do enjoy somewhat spicy sauces, so if you want to go to John Hardy's and get a jar of "spicy hot" I'd gladly accept it.  I will say that if I use a lot of it and eat the peppers that come with the plate of food sometimes I suffer some GI "discomfort".  Even the cat won't come near me then.

Clothes.  I have too many clothes as it is, and I wear them until they can't be worn any more.  A friend wears a lot of TShirts and discards shirts that still look perfect to me...he's only worn them a couple years! WTH man!  I've got some shirts that I've been wearing for 15 years.  Oh, sure, I didn't wear them much from 97-07;  I had some uniform shirts to wear.  Typically, clothes received at Christmas don't fit, are the wrong colour, style, pattern, or I've got 7 more just like it in the too full closet already. 

Tools.  I have lots of tools.  If I ask for a specific tool, that's what I want.  If it's being sold on an infomercial, or by Sears at Christmas....I don't want it.  One time...I thought I did.  Remember that "cold solder" thingy?  What a POS that didn't work.  Robin and family gave me something a few years ago that also didn't ever work, seems like it was part crescent wrench, part screwdriver, part glue gun and part timing light.  Yeah, it was sold by Sears.  Not really sure what it was supposed to do....other than screw the consumer from their money.  I asked for and received a Black and Decker "mouse" sander one year.  It works as advertised, but like all low quality sanders, has so much vibration that it's painful to use for very long.

What's the deal with the expression:  fits like a glove?  I've never had a glove that fits great.  A better expression would be:  fits like a condom.  Gloves.  Well, those nitrile gloves fit pretty good, but they're a single use item.  Any other glove has always been too long in the fingers, most have been too tight across the palm, and never had one that was perfect in the thumb range of motion.  Never had a condom that didn't fit though.  Oh, sure, most are too short, just secure it around with a foot long piece of duct tape.  Circulation?  no, the duct tape doesn't cut off circulation, the ends of the tape do not meet.  That's right...you just think that I have fat legs.  I have plenty of gloves, don't buy gloves or mittens for me.  Thanks, anyway.  No, don't buy condoms, either.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

HD Tv?  Blue Ray?  HDMI???  no thanks.  Most of the time, I can't tell the difference between cd dvd cassettee vhs.  I was going to include 8 track, but unless the player is really clean, and the tape is really good, it's easy to tell.  I thought DVD would really be a great improvement...but if you stop a DVD in the middle of the movie, it's a challenge to go back to where you were.  VHS?  no problem.  Yes, we still have a VHS, and a lot of tapes.  We don't use them much, Val will occasionally watch on when ironing clothes.  I don't know how to use our DVD player.  BTW, it's also a burner, I thought it'd be clever to record shows onto DVD.  I have no clue how to work the damn thing.  I don't know if it is hooked up correctly.  We do have a XBox thingy, thanks Jim and Debi.  We used it once.  I know it is capable of doing magical things with movies and the like....yep, I put out a fire under the hood of my pickup, replace the alternator and offending wires without breaking a sweat (it always happens about Christmas when the temp is well below freezing), but operate an XBox that any 5 year old can master?  Gives me anxiety and hives and chilblains. 

So, I know you're sitting there thinking:  what a picky bastard.  Glad I'm not buying him a present.  I know you're wondering what was on my list this year.  Here's what I remember:  cake pan w/lid.  Do I need to explain this?  It's not that we make cakes often, but it's good to have a metal pan with a lid to transport stuff.  I want a hose reel for my air compressor.  Currently I use the "ram's horns" style handlebars from an old 10 speed bike to hold my air hose, and it works...works very well.  But it would be nice to hang it up in the rafters, just pull it out to use it, gentle tug to retract it.  I would like an extension cord or trouble light that did that too.  What else would I appreciate?  How about a cd/dvd of pics that you took at a bike rally or topless bar.  ER, I mean a disc or thumb drive of your favorite ebooks or music.  (Unless you only like romance books and country music.)  Yes, as you maybe know, I switched to ebooks almost a year ago.  I've read a couple paper books since then, and about 70 ebooks.  I would also like a home baked pie, jelly or some cookies that are my favorite.  No, I'm not going to tell you what my favorites are.  You have to figger that out on your own.  (It does not end with "berry")

Here's a short list of gifts that I've given over the years to various people.  Diamond earrings, hitch pins, books, dishes, gift certificates, boxes of jello, kleenex, bird feeder (that still isn't being used), gun rack, toaster, birdseed, mixer, other assorted jewelery, scrapbook stuff, nightgowns (flannel!), other assorted appliances, mp3 player, swiss colony crap (does anyone really eat the stuff?),  etc and so on.

I gave the hitch pins to my grandpa, and I think it was the same year that my ex-stepmonster presented him with a box containing a pair of slippers.  It wasn't fair, really, hitch pins against slippers.  She didn't stand a chance.  He wouldn't even open her box.  Here's what you maybe don't know:  Grandpa lived thru the depression, never wore slippers and used hitch pins every day.  (And Jill's still an idiot.)

So, friends and enemies, thanks for reading my blogs.  I don't know why you waste your time with it.  I don't know why I'm narcissistic enough to think you would waste your time with it.  Don't you have something better to do?  I hope you find it entertaining, being a voyeur into my life.  Maybe I have something to teach you.  If I had to guess what that is, the only thing I could come up with is:  don't be like me.  That maybe is too harsh, because I am able to pee without getting my feet wet most days.  I do find typing this to be therapeutic, there are several drafts sitting there never published. 

So thanks.  I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Boxing Day, whatever the hell that is.  I hope you get just what you want for Christmas, whether it's a hug or a snowstorm, or maybe you just want your car to start.  Maybe you want that new tablesaw that Delta is putting out, the one that cuts compound angles and glues the joints at the same time.  Maybe you want the new combination refrigerator/oven/kitchen table/dishwasher/toilet.  Available at Sears, for a limited time only, just $1995.  But wait....we'll double your order and throw in extra durable, 100% recycled TP, which can be used on your sander as 80 grit sandpaper!

Carnival Legend cruise review/report.  Sunday 12/11 debark day.

So.  We got up, packed up, ate breakfast, blah blah blah get in the van and go.

Hey, look....there's the ship.  Crappy pic.  OH well, it's not as if I could get the tripod, light meter, abacus, compass, sextant, get squared up, lined up, test exposure and shoot the frame.  It's pretty much:  open the window, poke the button.  More often than not...the pic comes out. 

Here's what happens.  You drive up to the pier, a porter takes the luggage, we go in and weaver thru the lines.  Present docs, get room key.  Weave thru some more lines, get picture taken. 

They have a photographer and backdrop there to take a bon voyage pic, once we're thru that, we can get on the ship.  First thing on the ship, they take the card, plunge it into the slot and bong, we're officially on the ship.  Val and Brenda went to buy the "behind the fun ship tour" while Jerry and I went to secure a parking place at the buffet lunch.  Basically that is the only thing planned for everyone.  No one can get into their rooms until 130.  There's no entertainment scheduled until after Muster drill, the lifeboat meeting.  A big improvement over years past is that we don't have to take the life jackets.  What a PIA to go to the room, get the thing, go to Mustard, then take the damn thing back.

So, anyway.  We ate some lunch, Val unpacked, we checked out the room, the ship, etc.  The room is nicer than any of the other cruises we've been on.  Seems larger, but at the very least, it's better designed.  Buffet has also been redesigned from the other ships, there are several areas of food.  For example, they have a small line called "chopsticks" which is of course asian.  Another is "carvery" Another is "deli".  I think the idea was to spread out the crowds, keep line jumpers to a minimum.  I think it works, actually, but I  don't think the food is as good as it used to be.  By the time you wander thru all the stations, what you picked out is cold.  The plates are huge...so it is sort of compelling to grab a few items at one line, go to another for something else instead of making separate trips to each line and using 6 plates. 

We almost always eat dinner in the MDR, but our servers seem distracted, confused, something.  Dinner was good, every night the dinner was good.  But the service was not as good as we wanted/expected.  Oh well. 

weird how the camera overexposes some things and not others.  Sure wish it'd do that out by the pool/beach area.  In the MDR, for dinner anyway, they put those colourful plates down, and serve the white plates off of them.  I don't know why.  More work for the dishwasher, I suppose.

Dinner was followed by a show, imagine that.  Dinner and a show.  The show was ok, the dancing was good, the costumes were dated.  The set looked ok, I guess.  You can just see the cruise director coming into the pic on the right.  Yes, he's a fat irish/english bloke wearing a kilt.  This night was the only night we saw him in it.  He acts and sounds gay, but isn't, I believe.  Whatever, he was fun.   

After the show, we went around the ship, took pics, visited some various entertainments, such as Polly at the piano bar, Joe at the piano bar, someother dude at a piano bar.  For some reason, Carnival thinks that the best entertainment is a piano bar.  Tiring of that, it's off to bed.

And look!  on the bed there's a pair of towel vaginas!  No, there was no rumpy pumpy with the towel vaginas, Jeff, get your mind out of the swamp.



Cruise review/report Carnival Legend 12 11 12-12 18 12

Tampa, Grand Caymen, Cozumel, Belize, Honduras.

One fine day, long long ago, perhaps in May, Brenda says to Val:  "Jerry bought a cruise, want to come along?"  Val says:  "twist my arm."

Val says to me:  "Jerry bought a cruise and we're going along."  I say:  "who is Jerry?"

I've known Brenda quite a while, she's active with Val in PSI, she's a scrapbooker, and she's also dragging Val into that red hat thingy.  BTW, Val has to wear a pink hat for several more years before she can wear a red one.

Interestingly enough, this cruise has the same ports that we stopped in on our first cruise 4 years ago...exactly 4 years ago.  Different ship, and different order for the ports.  Carnival Valor is a larger ship, but not so large we couldn't manage.

Our vacation had many different aspects.  It started on Sunday Dec 4, when we dumped the cat on the inlaws.  Oh, sure, they volunteered to take him early, which saved a trip over on Thursday, also saving about $12 in gas.  The cat demands to be let into the basement, where he promptly found himself a parking place in the dark and stayed there for 13 hours, causing panic and worry and stress, etc and so on.  Shortly after they stopped looking and yelling at him, he came out.  No more basement for him!

Val took Friday afternoon off, and I was rewarded with a couple hours early dismissal as well (along with all of my colleagues), so we were able to leave earlier than expected.  Good thing, too, as she had a full day's shopping and dinner planned before we would retire for the evening.  She had a coupon, a rebate and a map....yep, she was armed and dangerous.  So off we go to Lane Bryant in Burnsville, a long drive away.  Maybe we stopped off for dinner first at Teresa's mexican eatery in Lakeville first.  If you recall, this is where we had to eat on the way to our hotel on the first day of our grand motorcycle adventure in September.  EXCEPT we didn't go to Lakeville, we stopped in that other ville or ton on the way to the "cities".  Same family, same recipes.  Top off the gas tank at Kwik Trip to ensure that the price of gas would go down for the week we were gone, then off to the mall.  I go in with her, hurray, they have the sweater that she wants.  I wander off to Sears, discover that some of their tools are being made in China and haul ass back out of there.  I find a bench and loiter there, wondering why there are a bunch of 4wheelers, mopeds and other junk piled up in there.  Maybe that guy sitting there wants to sell them.  Don't know, don't care.  Finally she comes out with 17 sacks of stuff, we head over to UHaul to rent a truck to get it all home.  It comes with a GPS thingy, so we turn it on, program in our address, set the cruise control and turn it loose.  I do hope it shows up soon.

At some point, leaving the mall, I think, we are on an off ramp with a double right turn lane when the red/maroon Dodge Durango instead of driving forward around the corner, rolls backward into us.  Val's driving, and since she's not a professional driver, didn't know what to do.  First you honk, second you back up a bit, third, you roar off around the poor lady that doesn't know what the hell is going on but she's on her phone anyway.  No, we didn't stop to see if she needed help, we didn't check the condition of our bumper, we left.  I still have not looked at the bumper.  Wait.  I guess I did, since Val had backed into the parking space at the HI E, I saw the bumper when we got out of the van upon our return.  Looks fine.
We're going to stay at a Holiday Inn Express, just in case we have to McGyver something in the morning.  They also have a shuttle to the airport and don't charge to park the car for a week.  Therefore, a nights stay will only cost about $15 over the cost of parking for a week.  Oh, sure, Jerry the cousin has offered many times to take us to the airport and keep the car at his place, but we're thinking the bathroom situation might be odd.  Jerry lives in Lakeland, which is quite a distance from the airport, too.  HI E also has free breakfast, but it starts at 7 along with the first shuttle leaving at 7, which means we don't get breakfast at the hotel.  There's a pretty good line at security and we've not had breakfast, but we manage to keep calm and make it thru without getting fondled or Xrayed.  My hat got drug out of the bin going thru the xray, and I wandered off without it.  The security lady tracked me down thanks to the description given by the people in line after us.  That was nice.

MSP used to have a couple McDonalds, but they were closed.  We got some sandwiches from Burger King, all in all, while we initially thought we were going to have a lot of time to kill, we ate on the plane.  [imagine pic of us eating BK sandwiches here]  Have you ever noticed the weird crap you can buy at the airport?  Receipt scanner, there's vending machines full of ear pods, ear pads, ear phones, ear phones, and Worst Buy has one full of crap too.  I tend to boycott them so I didn't look to see what was in there.  And...don't forget Rosetta Stone!  Or Proactive.  Saw a purple vest with purple moose on it.  Nothing says "too much money on vacation" like a purple moose.

Fly to Tampa, get off, collect luggage, call for shuttle to where??? Holiday Inn Express, if you can imagine that!

In comes a shuttle for Hampton Inn and away it goes.  Finally, in comes a Holiday Inn van and we head over to it.  Some slow people got in the way and out it goes.  I wave at it, they pull in and I see that it says Hampton Inn!  WTF?  Turns out they share a van.  The driver?  What a dumbass.  The guy whined the entire time about how busy he was, on and on and on.  The turdhead should be happy he has a job, I think....terrible driver.

Flight left at 9, in at 1, to hotel by 2/230.  Watch Tampa TV.  What a joy this is.  Pink Panther is always a treat, kind of silly, but fun.  then I tuned into the Mexican gong show, hosted by 2 oompa loompas.  They were wearing orange coveralls that were festooned with yellow and purple OOO.  There were 4 dancing girls wearing pink sequined bras, red shorts and black boots.  Guests were led onto set and introduced by more dancing girls wearing pink overalls, open in front to display the pink bra.  The judges?  One looked like Roseann Barr, one was wearing underwear on his head, like a mask, and one looked like John Mellon Cougarcamp.  Great show....if you like dancing girls with bouncing boobs.

Do these actors and musicians that use all 3 names....do they avoid thinking they are in trouble all the time?  Do they like thinking they're in trouble when the media says:  "Sarah Jessica Parker was seen with Cher and Oprah today, we're pretty sure they were doing the macarena but they were slightly behind Oprah and she was naked so we really didn't see anything else because we turned around and left. A witness named Michael Scott Leighten the boy said that police were called to the scene, but Oprah swears that no one hit her in the face."  

I really don't know where my mind goes sometimes.  Just be glad I'm not looking for a naked pic of Oprah to post.

Jerry and Brenda arrived at some point, we went outside and found there was a boat parade going on, so I took some pictures.  Full moon over Bahama Breeze, which is where we ate supper.   The moon is just right of center right above the building. Pretty good food, I guess. 

I'm not going to bore you with the trip in the van to Walgreens and the liquor store, which pretty much topped off the night.

Don't give up, friends, I'll be pounding out a cruise review soon.

I'll discuss:  drinking, hand pain, camera death, elevator assholes, comedians, beds, food, souveniers, flight attendants, shore excursions, and much more.

Stay tuned....

Beer!  Beer is proof that God loves and wants us to be happy.  Ben Franklin

I like beer even more than I like bourbon, actually.  My beer of choice used to be Miller Lite...which is considered an American style lager, of course.  I liked it, I liked it a lot.  But now?  Can't stand the stuff.  Why?  Well, what flavor it has is bad.  Bitter.  Blech.

I then would drink anything with Red in the name.  Killian's Red, Newcastle Nut Brown, and Red Dog, which turns out is an American Lager.  So is Red Stripe, which I still like.  I esp enjoy the tv commercials.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2S_UOHlueY

I moved on to amber beers.  Amber Bock was a favorite, Schells Amber is a current "go to" beer.  It's the local private label.  Beetle's has it as Beetle's Brew, the Canadian Honker calls it something clever.  Glynner's calls it Rusty Truck.  John Hardy calls it John Hardy's Red.  It's pretty good, made less than 100 miles from here.  Not sold as domestic, however! 

This domestic/import thing is annoying.  Beers made here in MN are sold as imports, beers made in MO are sold as domestics.  Basically?  It's a bad term. They're using the wrong words.  Instead of import/domestic, they should say beer for import, and horse pee for domestic.  You know why I say that right?  Of course you do...

My favorite beer?  My favorite is made by New Glarus, located in New Glarus, WI.  It's only sold in WI, which is the only thing I don't like about it. Ok, I wish it was cheaper than $8/6pack.

Here's a pic of the first 2 New Glarus beers that I saw and sampled.  Spotted Cow is one of the most popular, and is available on tap in lots of places in WI.  ON the other side of the label is a wonderful description, which entices the thirsty bikers to buy them, pack them into the saddle bags and rush them home.  Interestingly enough, I didn't have the motorcycle along on this trip.  We had gone into WI to buy a trailer.

Look!  There's Val, Duke, our trailer and the inlaw's garage.  It's a nice trailer...14' long, 7' wide.  Duke doesn't much like it, but he's a big weird looking chicken.

Staghorn, Octoberfest.  Obviously a seasonal beer.  It's pretty good, not my favorite.  Here's a linky to tell you about all the seasonals.  Totally Naked and BlackTop are my favorites.  I do like Laughing Fox, too.

I have no desire to make beer.  It takes a lot of equipment, it takes a lot of fussyness that I do not possess.  You have to prepare ingredients, yeasties, you have to have the right environment, lots of time and patience.  It's a worthwhile endeavor...and New Glarus has this down to a science.  They really do it right.

What the hell is my point here, anyway?  Oh, right.  I have no point to make.  You're thinking, I know you are....You want to know since I like beer so much, why would I ever "cheat" on beer with bourbon? 

Good question.  I went on a cruise or 2, went to the captain's party where they have free drinks.  No beer.  All they have for beer is horse pee anyway, so I have to learn to adapt.  After that 2nd cruise where I had a great time at the captains party, drinking whatever it was that didn't really taste all that great, when we got home, I went to the liquor store to get some. 

What the hell is all this stuff?  Canadian whiskey, bourbon whiskey, Irish whiskey, gin, vodka, American whiskey, blended whiskey, schnapps, liqeurs, white rum, brandy, wine, dark rum, scotch, tequila, Rye whiskey, Tennessee whiskey, Kentucky whiskey, holy crap--too many choices!

Uncle Google:  what the hell is canadian whiskey, scotch, irish, bourbon....

And this is how I decided to drink bourbon.

Bourbon is made in America, from at least 51% corn.  Aged in new oak cooperage.  Sounds good to me, I grew up growing corn.  We fed all of our corn to the pigs, never sold any to make whiskey, but that's ok.  Now.  How do I choose a bottle? 

Old Crow, Old Forrester, Old Granddad, Russels Reserve, Wild Turkey, Old Overholt, Old whiskey river, Woodford Reserve, Harper, Haller, Pappy Van Winkle, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Southern Comfort, Buffalo Trace, George Dickle, Fighting Cock, Ten High, Heavens Hill, Maker's Mark, Benchmark, 4 Roses, Knob Creek, Bulleit.

Clearly, some of those are not bourbon.  SO WHY IN THE HELL ARE THEY MIXED IN WITH THE BOURBON???  Annoys me when they mix in the Canadians, the Irish, the SC, the American blended crap, etc.  Confused me too, at first.

I think I've drunk a bottle of every bottom shelf bourbon there is, starting with Old Crow.  One of the oldest, one of the first, etc/so on.  Also one of the worst to drink neat (straight, no mixer).  Yes, I also drank a bottle of Old Crow Reserve.

One bottle that I really like is Benchmark single barrel.  I got it in a Stewartville liquor store during a snowstorm.  The cork was dried out, stuck and disintegrated.  The bourbon is wonderful, great for sipping neat.

How do I mix the cheap bourbon?  Couple ways.  Are you thirsty? no?  Ok, here's what you do.  Muddle an orange slice with some fine sugar, add some shakes of bitters, pour in the bourbon and ice.  Enjoy.  When the bourbon is gone, either add more, or eat the orange.  I call it an Old Fashioned.  Thirsty?  Pour a big glass of lemonade, add some bourbon.  Sip or gulp as required.

I find that if I sip bourbon neat, or with an ice cube, after a while, I get a little headache.  If I drink some water, it goes away.  I've never (yet) had a morning headache/hangover due to bourbon consumption. 

Can't say that about tequila or beer.

Won't touch tequila.

OK, maybe if a Latvian lady was offering a week of rumpy pumpy if only I'd drink a sip of tequila, I guess I could compromise my integrity and cheat on my bourbon.  I suspect that I don't have to concern myself with that, until after I get struck by lightening while winning the lottery.  And then if it happens, I'll wonder if she's after me for my resilience or my money.

good thing I used the spell checker tonight.  Terrible spelling.  I should be ashamed.  But I'm not....I'm tired.  The garage contains the car again, the snowblower runs, most of my stuff is put away. 

More about wipers...

If you're lucky enough to be my Facebook friend, you know that we discussed spraying the windshield with WD40.  A friend suggested vinegar and water to rid the glass of frost.  A different friend had posted a linky on FB about the same thing....use a mix of 3:1 vinegar water, spray before the ice storm and the ice should not stick.  I'm going to try it.

I suggested WD40 because of the wd...water dispersing.  It won't work without making an oily mess....because it is primarily made from fish oil.  It is tempting to spray the windshield of that dickhead that broke my mirror last year.  Or the ass that keyed the side of the car.  Or that dumb bitch that....I'll tell you about that one privately. 

But anyway...when you change your wiper blades, lube the pivot points on the wiper arms.  There's a spring in there too that holds the wiper blade tight to the glass, and if that pivot is binding, it's not going to work right.

Enough about that crap, remember about my shoe shopping discussion?  I think I was clear that I waited to buy...and my patience paid off.  I waited till after Thanksgiving, there was a 20% coupon along with buy one, get one half off.  2 pair for about $70.  BUT.  they only had one pair....and offered to send the other one to my house free.  Hope it shows up.

First major snowstorm on the way...it's about time to finish clearing out the garage and see if the snowblower will start.  Luckily I have a free day to do that.  Do you care about what all that entails?  Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway. 

Got to put away all the tools that I've had out over the last 8 months or so...sockets, wrenches, hammers, screwydrivers, (although, since I moved the screwydriver rack over from the bench repurposed from an entertainment center to the side of a 3 drawer cabinet that I dug out of a dumpster during the OMC remodel, the screwydrivers have been much more organized than ever before), soldering stuff, electrical stuff, meters, pliers, jacks, ramps, etc.  I need to rebuild a shelf or 2, stow the MC helmets and other gear, find a resting place for the gas cans, bird seed (which should be called bird feed), stow a big box of little donuts, a big box of used cardboard boxes that I hold on to to use as a "creeper" or as insulation between my insulation and the cold hard ground of the garage.  Need to stow the rake, the shovels, a box of wire and other stuff.  The ladders need to go back into the corner, have to stow the new lumber and the left over gutter toppers.

Anyone still awake? 

Wiper blades.  Innocent things, really....

They're just long black things, sticking out there, waiting patiently to be called into service.  Couple weeks ago we were driving to somewhere or from somewhere, Val used the wipers, except they didn't work so well.  Damn things are not too old, probably not even a year old yet.  Wonder why they go bad so fast.

Is it the contour of the windshield?  Is the size of the wiper?  I'm thinking this is party the case.  This car has a 22" wiper on the driver side, a 20" on the passenger side.  The driver side wiper was the one that was doing the chicken dance on it's path down the glass (why do they always work great going up, but smear the glass going down?) while the passenger side worked fine.

Ventured into Fleet Farm today...aka the "man's mall" aka "if the store doesn't have it, you don't need it" etc.  I think I've mentioned this place before, and it does have nearly everything a guy needs.  But I have 2 major gripes with the place...one I've probably mentioned, is that they play throwball games on the radio, at super high volume.  I mean it's loud.  Annoys the crap right out of me.  So when I go to take care of that, they have a clear violation of man law.  They have 4 urinals....no dividers. WTH is wrong with them??? 

Anyway, went there to look at a couple things, they had a special price on "bubbakegs", a 52 oz cup, which I didn't buy because the lid screws on, which is good, except the lid and cup are very slippery, which would cause a disaster on clumsy day.  I forgot what else I was going to look at, but I remembered that the car needs new wipers.  BTW, back to the size issue.  My pickup has 18" wipers, and they last a couple years.  Sure, I only drive it 3000 miles a year, but it sits outside every day of that year, while the car spends most of the winter in the garage.  Hmmmmmmmmore to think about.

Anyway.  ANCO makes pretty good wipers, and until a couple years ago, a guy could just buy replacement blades--cheap.  Now, you have to buy the whole thing, blade and carrier thing that snaps onto the arm.  $4.59 for standard, $5.85 for "winter" $9.xx for "aerovantage" $15.xx for "superdupermagicalculturedcomeswithdinnerandashow.  ANCO was offering a $5 rebate when you buy a pair of blades.  But not for the cheapies, (haha, like any of them are cheap!).  So we're trying the "winter" blades.

Seen these things???  They look like John Holmes or Ron Jeremy gave some of their black coloured condoms to ANCO....the wiper device is wrapped in rubber to keep water from collecting and freezing in the space between the blade and the arm, which causes the wiper blade to do the macarena right when you need it most.  Which is, of course, during the middle of an ice storm when you're driving over the river and through the woods when the guy ahead of you hits that dead skunk that everyone else has avoided for the last 3 days...causing all the pent up intestinal gases to explode out through the balloon neck hole, which makes it fly all around much like you've seen on the cartoons.  It really happens, folks....and that putrid sucker will land on your windshield, and you need to scrape it off.  But you can't, because your wiper has collected all the rain drops it's seen for the last 45 miles which has taken 6 hours to travel due to all the shoppers heading to the mall or to Applebees or to Pure Pleasure or Kwik Trip to get their porn or bread and milk before they're trapped for 3 days.  Hey...the internet might go down.  So your wiper arm is encased in ice, the rubber is an inch off the glass not doing a damn thing when that skunk lands on your windshield.  It starts to cook because you've got the defroster blasting full power, it's a good thing there's no heat seeking missiles around because they'd zero in on your defroster vents.  That, my friends, would be messy.  So the skunk guts are cooking onto your windshield, the wiper arm is coming his fur, you're wishing the kids would stop screaming because it is a bit distracting and your spouse is shouting for you to for God's sake do something, that skunk stench is gonna make me hurl!

What I really can't figure out...is why there are red tips on the ends of the winter blades.  Pretty lousy pic, isn't it.  I'm not sure they could have put a smaller picture of it on their website.  So, 2 wiper blades at $5.85, a 41 cent stamp, a 3 cent stamp, an envelope and a $5 rebate almost gets the price down to reasonable.  But: can you put a price on clear vision?  We could imagine the cops providing a ticket for unauthorized skunk cooking causing a crash, the cost of repairing your car and the others you crashed into when the chain reaction of puking began, first the spouse followed by the kids and then the dog after he ate most of the piles of vomit.  Plus the cost of increased insurance coverage....changing the wipers is starting to sound pretty cheap, isn't it!  What about the cost of the wiper juice?  That, my friends, is another bloggy entry....but none of them really do a good job dissolving skunk.

Thanksgiving day is here...

Hope it goes well for you.  I violated my own clever observations, by attempting pie yesterday.  See, all this time, I thought that Grandma had only one pie crust recipe, but turns out there are 4 or 5 recipes in that book that ginny put together.  Sadly, there's not a flashing red light around the one that was her favorite, saying "use this recipe for pecan pie". 

I had all sorts of trouble with the crust.  I briefly forgot that moisture content in the flour dictates how much liquid to use, and the recipe called for half a cup water, an egg, a T of vinegar.  Good thing I didn't put all that in there, it'd have been a soppy mess.  I know, I should have been practicing making pie crusts.  the first one that I rolled out kept breaking, so finally I put them back into the fridge and did something else.  I should have tossed it, I suppose, because too much handling of the dough will make it tough...and trust me, I handled it like an athlete with a backache.  Knead it, smooth it, press it, roll it.  About the only thing I didn't do to it is stick my elbow into it's butt, but hey...a pie crust doesn't really have a butt.

So.  After I made the macNcheese from the Carnival.com website/bloggy thing, I tried the crustyness again.  This time, it rolled out, ok.  I had to patch it up a bit.  then I used the left over bits to make the other one larger as I rolled it, and it turned out pretty good, I think it only took 2 tries to get it.  I think I used more flour to keep it from sticking, and probably the temperature of the dough was right, too.  BUT.  there were no directions about baking the crust!  No time, no temperatures!  What to do?  Well.  Glad you asked.  Here's what I did.  The other recipes had temps of 350 and 450, so I set it at 400.  Some said 8 minutes, some said 12, so I set the timer for 10.

Baked the pecan pie on a cookie sheet.  Good thing too, that bastard ran over a little bit.  Not much, but it would have made a stinky mess in the oven.


just dropped the ice bin from the freezer onto the floor, spilled most of the ice.  I suppose I should have taken a pic, posted it on facebook, proclaimed: "mybad", all before I cleaned it up, but I just swore loudly enough for Val to come scampering from the bathroom (naked), to help clean it up.  Yep, threw it into the cooler to keep her mt dew cold.  Also my lemonade and coffee and the cool whip.  Real life honest to goodness cool whip, whipped oil!  Not generic, believe it or not.  It was the same price, or even cheaper, last time we bought it.  Can't remember when that was, so it's probably turned into white crap, aka divinity.  Oh well, we're taking it anyway, not going to look inside, just in case. 

I suppose that I should load the car and shave, etc, since it looks like we're going to be late.  The advil is kicking in, I think I'm going to survive.

Happy Thanksgiving week!

Honestly, these big family events drive me nuts.  Why?  Oh, many reasons. 

But first, here's an observation that seems obvious...the problem with this bloggy thing is that you're learning so very much about me and I don't know for sure who even reads this thing.  BTW, thanks to all of you that admit to reading this literary flotsam.  Just in case you didn't know...when I say: "I welcome comments", this means comments encouraged, emails appreciated, because I'd enjoy learning your thoughts or views.

Do people know the definitions of: sublime, surreal, epic, awesome, supercalifragilisticexpedalidocious, and prawn?  No, I don't think they know, either. 

Growing up, I was spoiled.  I only had one brother, one sister, 4 cousins.  A huge number of 2nd cousins, but most of them didn't come to most events....because we didn't get together with Grandma's side of the family too often....in the later years.  Seems like we did get together more often when I was younger.  Here's an example.

Once upon a time, in a land far to the south, Grandma and Grandpa lived on a farm that they rented from some guy named Davison.  Maybe it was Davidson...I don't know and honestly, I don't really care.  It was a decent enough place, kind of a small house, a nice sized chicken coop, 2 car garage, 2 barns, a nice sized machine shed, but a long dirt driveway, which caused all sorts of problems most of the year.  That does not pertain to this story, so disregard all of that about the driveway.  BTW, it's been covered with gravel.  This story occured in 1975 or 76, I'd guess.  Michael Scott Leighton the boy came to visit with his family, along with some others;  Grandma had about 35 sisters and 2 brothers, each of them had SEVERAL kids.  Some had 2 kids, some 3, some 17 from several marriages.  There could be an exaggeration here or there, reader beware.  The exaggeration has ended.  Michael Scott Leighton the girl comitted this terrible act of abuse to a perfectly good bowl of homemade ice cream.  Ok, Ok.  I refer to him in that way because he ALWAYS announced his presence by stating:  I am Michael Scott Leighton the boy.  To torture him, we ammended it to "girl", but I'm not going to speculate how his fellow inmates reacted to this announcement.  Perhaps he gave it up as he got older.  Ok. so we're at Grandma's house, we have home made ice cream, and a whole house of cousins.  The 'boy' thought he'd be clever and funny, so he went to the hen house and got an egg, put it on the ice cream.  Just his bowl, he didn't ruin it for all of us.  BUT an egg was not enough, so he declared that he was going to crap onto it, and he did indeed do exactly that.  Someone went to tell on him, I'm sure he disposed of the evidence, and I'm also sure that his mother didn't beat him, because if she had, he wouldn't have done it in the first place, and if she did, he wouldn't have grown up as such an asshole to wind up in prison.

Yep, asshole cousins on both sides of the family.  We have not even begun to talk of the step cousins that arrived when Dad married the stepmonster or the step cousins that appeared when Grandpa Hoffman married Mary. 

Disclaimer:  I too am an asshole cousin.  Just ask around. 

As I was lying in bed last night waiting to sleep, I was distracted by a list of names of people that I'd be honored to attend Thanksgiving with.  Yep, there were some relatives on there, but not too many.  I wonder....should I list the names???

Ok, so I could waffle on and on, but bottom line is this.  I'm thinking that I would rather hang out with people that I like and enjoy the company of rather than a bunch of people that I don't really like or enjoy their company.  I'm not the sort of person that can pretend to be having fun.

Family events, right.  Should be fun, right?  Usually not...usually very stressful.  Why?  because people are cooking stuff they don't usually cook, entertain people they know well or even like.  Cook amounts/quantities of stuff they're not familiar with, new recipes, running out of crap, can't find stuff, equipment failure, spoilage, personality conflicts, throwball games, drunk dumbasses, transporting stuff over the river and thru the woods...it gets cold or hot and the foil sticks or falls off allowing it to get dirty or you drop it and the damn dog that smells like that third skunk you passed 45 miles ago grabs it up and eats it or rolls on it or trips you so you drop everything and twist your back so now you're in intense pain, but since no one pays attention, everyone has to ask what happened or why your back hurts.  Even though they saw what happened, they have to ask 4 times.  And what usually happens when you are near that 3rd dead skunk, is that someone inevitibly hits the damn thing, causing the huge amount of decomposition gases to rapidly escape (think balloon), causing it to fly up, and splat on your windshield.  Now...you are smart enough to not use the wipers to try to get this greasy bloody gut smeared abomination off your glass, so you stomp on the brakes to attempt to dislodge it.  Whoops, you forgot that Mayhem  has been here to visit your trip over the river and through the woods in the form of black ice. Or if you're on a concrete road, it'd be grey ice.  Never mind if you're on the gravel.  Yep, ABS is a wonderful thing, when it works, but it can't work on the mirror smooth ice and you've got your foot jammed to the floor like that time you were stomping and clapping to the beat of Queen's we will rock you.  stomp stomp clap stomp stomp clap  we will we will rock you rock you.  (good luck with that ear worm, my friend)  So. Your front wheels have locked, the back trades places with the front, now the inside of the car smells as bad as the outside and is about as colourful, since all those goodies you spent so much time on have splatted around....think Maytag washer spin cycle...and I don't know what happens next, because I had kept the correct following distance, and was able to react in a controlled, safe manner, execute a move and get the hell out of the way of your wood paneled minivan, aka dorkmobile.  All I know is that you need new shortyshorts, and Victoria's secret is not open on Thanksgiving.  Kwik Trip does not yet sell fancy filmy underpants, and we all know you can't have unsightly lines...good luck with all that!

What else?  never enough bathrooms, house is too hot, never enough salt/pepper shakers, too many people insist on serving margarine instead of butter, kids and pets need to go out for exercise, someone has to have the damn throwball game on, with the volume turned WAY UP!

This is the 3rd day I've hammered at this, my hand hurts, I'm tired.  I'm going to make pie and bread and other stuff tomorrow (Wednesday before Tday)

I don't know what's wrong with my hand.  It probably needs to knead some bread and mix some pie filling.  It's my left hand, don't be thinking any weird thoughts.

Had a discussion/reminder about pennywise vs dollar foolish the other day.  We were buying stuff to cover the trailer and motorcycles, ie tarp, straps, hooks, etc.  BTW, where the hell are those other 2 red ratchet straps?  Did I loan them to someone?  Did someone steal them?  Weird.  The orange ones are the ones to steal, to be honest.  Not to worry, Menard's had some on special/rebate, so now we've got more.

The penny wise discussion came when we got to the S hooks.  Since the ramp of the trailer is the back end of it, and it is primarily constructed of that expanded metal stuff, I figgered that using hooks to secure the tarp would be the easiest and most cost effective.  5 S hooks in a pkg at Menards is about $1.50.  Not much money, right?  But they are small, and hard to bend...so they'd fall out of where I put them.  So I said:  "these S hooks can bugger off, we'll sodding make our own!" 

Yes, been reading a British writer.  I tell you, they can waffle on about pretty much nothing at all.

So.  I got a piece of wire from the garage, took along a pair of wire cutters, also known as dikes or nippers, and indeed, was successful making our own S hooks, just the right size, too.  I'm sure we would have spent more time looking for the little ones that we would have dropped into the dirt than we spend making these. 

Brand new 16x20 tarp....missing a grommet.  How rude.  Val's mom bragged about how they had some rubber thingy that could make grommets by spinning straw into gold and then with the proper application of hair of mole and eye of cat it'd magically transform into a grommet.  She didn't go trotting off to fetch the system, so the one hole in the front is grommetless and therefore strapless. 

Strapless is nice, not as nice as braless, but that's a different subject altogether.

I could write a long paragraph about what I think about the changes to the buses, but I won't.  I'm sure that they did lots of studies.  :(

I still have not gotten the east side gutter cleaned and toppered.  There's about 6' on the west side that didn't get a topper too, the shingles are stuck down too tightly.  I wonder if the east side will come up easy or not.  It's well shaded all day, unlike the west side, which does get full sun part of the day.  You can bet I'll let you know, assuming I get to it on Friday or next Wednesday.

Here are 16 naughty things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving:

 

(1) Talk about a huge breast.

(2) Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

(3) It's COOL WHIP time !

(4) If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst !

(5) That's one terrific spread !

(6) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

(7) Are you ready for seconds yet ?

(8) It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?

(9) Just wait your turn, you'll get some !

(10) Don't play with your meat .

(11) Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

(12) Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once ?

(13) I didn't expect everyone to come at once !

(14) You still have a little on your chin.

(15) How long will it take after you stick it in ?

(16) You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

It's a week away, start practicing now !!! :)

 

Of course, use yer best judgement...you could get the good news with a soup ladle along the side of your skull.  Not responsible for spills, stains or unwanted pregnancies.

 

Oh, sure, a guy could come up with more: 

Wow, that's a big piece of meat.

Thighs?  No, I'm more of a breast fan...

I'd love to eat your pie.

 

Yeah, I copied the first batch from the internetshmmmmmmm perhaps the most appetizing sounding ingredient.  Yeah, that's it.  :)

 

Happy Friday, Happy Veterans Day, Happy Birthday to the Marines.

Ok, enough of the sappy crap.

Something I've learned on this bloggy thing?  I don't remember everything that I typitty tap type here.  Sure, if someone brings it up, I will recall it.  Take for example, the post I wrote right after we went to see Grandma when I mentioned my dead cousin, a live cousin and her homeless looking kid.  Apparently she didn't appreciate that....but then again, she is a liberal and therefore hyper sensitive to the truth.  We're no longer FB friends, due to her hyper sensitivity.

I'm thinking that the act of typing is therapeutic for me, and the aggravation I feel and write about is absolved, and therefore I forget about it.  Hee hee haha hoho.

Finally made it to the shoe store. Can someone please tell me the allure of the "outlet mall"?  They had the exact same selection at the same prices there as at the store down by WallyMart.  Yes, I actually went to 3 shoe stores as well as going thru the shoe dept at WM.  2 of them were Famous Footwear, they have a small Sketchers section, about 5 styles.  Also went to Payless...since it was nearby.  Saw something very interesting along the way, but I'm not going to tell you about that.

As suspected, the music was too loud, the heat was too high, the stink factor was way up there.  BUT the trash issue wasn't too bad.  Perhaps that means that the shoes I tried on/looked at had been tried on before.  Or maybe that means they're cutting back on the crap that they fill the shoes with.  Loooky Jeff...I ended a phrase with a preposition!  :)  I know you don't care. 

WallyMart did a reorganization of the store about 4 years ago, I still am looking for the stuff where it used to be located.  About the time I get it rememberized, they'll move it all again. 

Someone here has bad gas, I'm going to blame the cat, since he can't blame me and he doesn't care anyway.

Speaking of gas, it's about time to treat the gas in the mower, trimmer, and motorcycles.  I use Stabil.  I have heard that some use "seafoam" with good results, but it's not thick and red (like SloeGin), so how do you know if it's doing anything??  Probably going to take out the batteries this year, put them in the basement.  The plan is to load them on the trailer, cover them and put them into a red SHED where the power supply is not reliable.  Besides, we have 3 bikes and only 2 battery tenders.  Anyone want to buy a good used bike?  My plan is to put a bunch of stuff on the trailer, like the mower, the saddlebag box, a couple benches that I use in the garage for MC repair and work...clear out the garage so Val has less crap to run over when she parks the car in the garage.  Or maybe so when we're out of town the pickup can fit into the garage.

Got a crack in the corner of my thumb already.  I must need to do some more massages, or at least use more lotion on me.  Who wants a massage?  Honestly, it's a lot more fun to put lotion all over someone else, esp if they're paying me for the privilege.

Lots to do this weekend, like put cayenne pepper in the bird seed and on the suet cakes. Damn squirrels are eating it!  AND it's not really bird seed...if you plant it, birds don't appear, who named this stuff?  Need to spread some winterizer fertilizer on the grass, clean the gutter, etc.  come help!  Trade a massage....

Penny wise, pound foolish.  observations and comments

There are lots of examples.  Too bad I can't think of any right now.  :)

Don't think that's going to stop my bloggy post, however.  Oh, here's one.  Caught cold and going to use a lot of kleenix?  It'd be penny wise, nose foolish to buy the cheap tissues instead of spending another buck to get the Puffs Plus with lotion....This is something you will regret, I guarantee. 

Don't know if you like whiskey or rum?  Buying the bottle on the bottom shelf because it is only $11 could be a mistake....you may determine that you "don't like" whiskey or rum when you have not tried the good stuff.  Same goes for beer and even coffee.  People will try coffee that is too weak or too strong and then think they have to dump in a bunch of sugar/cream/etc to make it drinkable...when they just need to regulate the gounds. 

A cheap shovel may last 2 years but the shovel that cost $5 more may last 10.  A $30 coffee pot may last 1 year, but the $100 pot can/will last for 10.  Or it may only last for 5 years if you didn't remember to turn off the switch when you went out of town for a week...

Sometimes cheap stuff is just as good as expensive stuff.  I have off brand/no name wrenches that have been just as good as the name brand sold by Sears.  I was going to comment on the underwear....but I've never tried expensive underwear.  Val has some, and it doesn't seem to last very long.  Dunno.  No, it's not my fault that her's don't last a long time.

Well.  So far, this is dull as shit, isn't  it. 

An example of when I was cheap and regretted it:  I bought a GPS from a one sale each day site, it was refurbished.  It didn't ever work quite right, and the maps were wrong.  Tom the bastard wouldn't send new maps even though I was willing to pay him.  Our friend Jim confirmed what I suspected:  lifetime map upgrades are not going my life time, or even the lifetime of the magical map unit...only as long as they decide to support the unit.  I doubt that they will tell you in the book:  Oh, btw, we're only going to send you maps for about another 6 weeks...so enjoy your new magical map!

When I was doing apt maintenance, it didn't take long to learn that the owners had installed the absolute cheapest cabinets and doors that they could buy.  Kids in that complex must have derived a lot of pleasure from riding the cabinet doors in the amazing 180* arc that they traveled.  Eventually, the little screws holding the hinges to the face frames would pull out of the glued and pressed newspaper that it was made of.  You can imagine my puzzlement, the first time I was called to a unit to repair one...I sat down on my bucket...floor was too sticky to sit on...and looked at it for a while.  I looked around at the others, found some examples of repair.  I found that I'd have to reinforce the face frames with pieces of wood, pieces of steel, I'd have to glue the "boards" back together from where they were splitting, fill the screw holes with toothpicks and glue so there would be something for the hinge screws to hold on to.  One great day, the drill slipped and allowed the phillips bit to perforate my hand.  Believe me, that hurt. 

I think they should have spent a little more money, used cabinets with solid wood face frames.  Same sort of thing with the doors...the asshats that lived there lived to punch/poke holes in the doors, which we patched by using contact cement to glue a piece of similar crap over the hole.    OH, sure, when the manager moved into a different apt?  she got all new doors, new cabinets, new bathroom sink, new fridge.  oh well.

You know, I suppose the very best example of penny wise, pound foolish comes from the grocery store.  A package of this or that seems cheaper, and it may be, because it is a smaller package.  Yeah, it makes me grumpy.  That's all for today...over and out.

Haircuts and Shoe Shopping, 2 of my favorite things.

No, not really. Think, and think hard:  have you ever seen me comb my hair? Nope, you probably have not.  This is because it's about my only body part that is well behaved.  It never hurts, makes noise, if I give it the proper maintenance, it doesn't smell bad, etc.  It just lies there, looking brown.  I have briefly attempted a hair style, 2 times.  Once in school, I asked either Mike or Ames to cut it like Dad's, for the part on the side, comb over thing.  It didn't work out.  And once back in the 90's, I went to one of those hair cut places, and I knew she didn't listen closely when she took out her buzzer dowhinkey thingy and buzzed all my hair off, about half an inch was all that was left.  That turned out to be ok, we went out and bought a Wahl clipper set from Fleet Farm for $20 and Val cut my hairs for about 5 years. 

I don't have a style....and it just falls where it falls.  I stir it around occasionally...and so this is why I don't much care for a trip to the hair cut place.  I had a girl all lined up and trained;  several of them, over the years, actually.  I found the one when I needed a hair cut for Grandpa's funeral, March 96.  Couple years later, she left.  03, girl fresh out of school, traded hair cuts for massage.  FLAKE.  05 or 06, same deal, but she never called to set up her massage, so I quit going to see her.  Got 4 free haircuts. 

Finally, someone opened a "salon for men", calling it a barbershop, they have coffee, they have peanuts, they have a tv in each station.  They do a shampoo and a vibrator style shoulder massage.  $10.  If I could get the same girl each time, I'd be set....because apparently simply stating:  "shorter, thinner, over the ears and off the collar" is not enough information.  I don't really mind the cutting, I love the shampoo, and the vibrator thing is nice.  I guess I just don't like the explanation part, which is why I want the same girl each time.  And the comb on the ear part....it's not like my ears are small therefore hard to see...jeez, girl, don't comb them...it HURTS.

Shoe shopping.  I need new tennis/walking/multi purpose shoes.  I don't play tennis, but I still call them tennis shoes.  I don't know why.  Actually, I don't NEED new shoes, it's just that my current pair are dirty and kinda ragged, and won't look good while on vacation, so I'm going to get a new pair.  What brand?  Glad you asked.  I wear Sketchers now.  Wore New Balance for the longest time, but found Sketchers to be more comfortable...and they last a long long time, too.  Here's why I don't like shoe shopping.

Usually, the store is too warm.  Always the store smells like what is in it:  Chinese rubber, nylon, synthetic crap.  P U.  If I can find the right size in a shoe that I like the looks of, or at least I don't dislike the looks of it, the shoes are always filled with 5# of trash, and the store never has a bin to throw it into.  Seems like there's always bad music on the speakers, played too loud for my special ears, having been combed raw and bleeding.  Ok, that is an exaggeration, but you had a mental image of me with my ears taped up like a german shephard puppy, didn't you?

Thankfully, the shoes are almost always laced up now...otherwise, that chore is next.  Try on the new shoes, and prance around, try to determine if they are going to fit or cause the little toe to eat the next toe.  Seems like there is always some screaming baby in the middle of the aisle that I've chosen to do my walkabout...which enhances my shoe buying experience.  Maybe they'll change it's diaper right next to me, so I can enjoy that aspect of it too.     

Several years ago, on my noon kinderarten route, which was a special needs route, they brought out one kid, put him on the bus and went away very quickly. It was just a couple days past Valentine's day...and we had to sit and wait for another kid.  :(  The paraprofessional (interesting word, isn't it, para meaning half?) looked at the kid:  "Caden, did you drop a load?"  Of course, the kid is retarded in some manner, and just kinda bounced up and down.  Finally the other kid came out and got on, she asked:  "what's that smell?"  I said to the para:  "feel free to put down a window or 2".  Seems like it took an eternity to drive across town, and I was thankful the kid had on his nylon snowpants, tucked into his boots.....because he had indeed dropped a load, a massive load, if the odour was any indication.  When we finally got there, the lady came out to get him, Mark announced:  "we suspect that Caden is packing...".  She nodded and took him away.  The next day....she advised us on how he stunk up the whole facility.  Which we already knew....as we had driven across town with our heads out the windows.  That, my friends, was awful.

How was that for a crappy story?  Sure, there's more, like how he kept bouncing up and down, saying: "poooooooooo".

Also, regarding shoes...In the winter, I typically wear waterproof hiking style boots since we have so much winter weather, lots of puddles, lots of snow.  I've worn the same pair for several years, the soles are getting thin...and they are not very warm.  So....it may be time to replace them.

Sheila seems to think shoe shopping is a reward for all of her hard work.  I suppose for her it is...she can go out and buy some sassy expensive heely shoes that will garner her loads of rumpy pumpy, which would indeed be a reward.  My shoes have never inspired anyone to commit rumpy pumpy.

For me, shoes serve to keep my feet warm and dry, to keep me comfortable when I'm walking around...

I clearly need an editor...there are some jambled thoughts going on there.  OH WELL!

Remember, friends...it's cat's week.