Thursday, January 05, 2012

Well, friends...it was inevitable.  It was bound to happen.  It happens to everyone, so I've heard.  I guess I'm lucky; I've driven a bus for 9 years...and finally, my luck ran out. I'm picking up little kids; one is crying.  I ask:  "are you ok?"  Someone says that she's puking.  I pull over, take the trash can back along with some tissues...she's a mess.  I call the office:  can you ask someone to meet the bus, got a sick kid.  YEP, they'll meet you.  Pull into the school, everyone but sicko gets off, where the hell is the nurse person.  Finally I go to the playground person, she says she'll get the kid and take her in.

She enters the bus, there's puke all over.  All over the floor, all over the seat, all over the kid.  There's stuff on her clothes, her coat, her mittens, her packback, the seat, the floor, everywhere!  I can hear the teacher making all the appropriate mouth noises, I can't imagine knowing what to say or how to say it.  Finally here comes the "vice principal" or asst principal, he's got a bucket and gloves!  He's going to clean up the bus!  Wrong!!!  He was coming to get the kid.  He was supposed to be out there 6 minutes ago...some help he is.  So she gets her off the bus, and he makes all the right noises and takes her away.  He doesn't bother talking to me, and since he's my bosses brother, that's all I'm going to say about that.

Speaking of mouth noises...what's the deal with making kissy noises at the dog?  Who thought that one up?  And then how about for the cat???  Val's mom thought she'd call the cat, so she turns on this voice I've never heard before, yells KITTY about 40 times at 1000 decibels in less than 10 seconds.  Ok, the cat, named "George" can hear a mouse fart 2 counties away will run and hide at that onslaught to his ears.  Seriously, he's a cat.  He'll come when he's ready to come...and not before.  Sometimes we trick him with treats, but he's getting wise to that.

So for all these years, I've been driving around feeling smug that none of my kids dared to yack all over my bus.  Never had to clean up after some rude sick kid.  Consequently, I didn't know how to go about cleaning it up.  I pulled into the heated shed and got the hose...kinda made more of a mess.  Of course there could not be any clean rags, luckily I had a towel in the car so I could dry the seats.  All this reminds me of when I was riding the city bus to learn the routes in 2000....someone got on, Dave, the driver I was with kept looking around making this weird face....finally he said "I smell manure!"  I didn't smell it, I didn't even see it...but finally he did...he pulled over, and wiped up some dog shit that someone tracked in.

BTW, I'm pretty sure that the sick kid ate half a pound of raw hamburger for lunch today.

What I need:  a noise that I can make that will entice people to come running to my massage table, they'll throw off all their clothes, jump onto the table and pay me lots of money to give them a massage.  I actually needed this in 2004, but I would accept it now.  If you're going to design one, make sure it only attracts people I like or will like.  Preferably people with very little body hair, no bad body odor, and I don't want anyone with wet toe nail polish.

Yeah, I felt bad for the sick kid, and for all the other kids on that route...I didn't spend much time comforting her, and I kept yelling at the others that kept hollering when a new kid got on:  there's puke!  don't step in it! etc/so on.  But what about me!  I had to clean it up!  And I don't get paid any extra to do it.  Like I said, I pulled into the shed and hosed it...the nozzle was partially broken, took 2 hands to operate.  The hose was dirty, got my clothes and hands really dirty.  I can't even say that I understand how she feels...I only have memories of being sick to the point of puking about 6 times.

First memory was first grade, Miss Benbow (Mrs Volkmar?)'s class.  Felt something weird in my throat,  and out it came, all over a desk and maybe another student, Annie, perhaps??  I remember going to the restroom for some paper towels, but when I got back the janitor was there and said he'd take care of it.

2nd puke memory was 6th grade math class.  Special math class, boys and girls were separated, for the most part.  There were only a couple boys in the girls class, and I was one of the lucky ones.  Didn't really feel right, and blech, all over the book and desk, don't know if any got on the girl in front of me or not.  Mrs McCune was not impressed.  She implied that I knew it was going to happen and should have ran off.  Well, she was wrong.  I had no idea I was going to explode all over that 40 year old book. 

I recall waking up one morning, swallowing like crazy, leaned over the trash can and made a deposit.

2 more times were tequila induced, I think the Maryville event was a near miss, someone alluded to a mess.  Sorry Glen!  The Mexico event was a huge mistake.

Seems like I've been sick once more, here in our little house, but I can't be sure.  I do remember having pain in my sides/guts afterwards from the heaving, I suppose.

FWIW, Val barfs on a regular basis.

Skylar and Duke did too, as did Alison. George only barfs up a hairball the size of a small kitten every couple months...never really makes a mess.

The summer after I bought the 84 Ranger, I noticed that it smelled strongly of barf when it'd sit in the sun with the windows up for any length of time.  That lasted for a few years.  I wonder if that is why they sold it.  Bastards.

Back to the driving around in the bus listening to all the poor suckers with puking kids.  One dingy b_____ offered anyone $20 to clean her bus, she was sure she'd get sick herself if she had to do it.  But by the time the desperate volunteer arrived, Big Cyndye had hosed it out herself.  They do indeed  give us a helpful "body fluid clean up kit"  It consists of some sawdust and a little scraper that you could use to sop up a drop of blood., but not a quart of fluid and pound of raw undigested hamburger.   Of course it was not in such a nice large pretty block, it was in little tiny clumps.

Don't you wish I had my camera along today?  Oh, and if you didn't feel sorry for me before, maybe you will now....my neck and shoulder were causing a great deal of pain PLUS I needed a trip to the restroom.  Afternoon temps were 55, so it was nice to have some windows open to help the floor dry, don't feel to sorry for me....you were probably cooped up in a stale overheated office.  Hey, what should I put into the label box?  I assume that helps this thing to be searched...not that I really care that.
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