Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A letter to an unhappy customer:

Dear Hot Air Return Vent,

What the hell kind of name is that?  How do you expect decent well run business' like ours to treat you with dignity and respect when we can't say your name without laughing our asses off?

You should know from all the tv commercials that if you have special eyes, you can't just expect any contacts to fit.  Another thing, we have not sent your contacts because we know that you'll just wear them to surf porn web sites; we just can't have that.  Think of the kittens in Latvia!  Think of the pygmies in New Guinea.

When was the last time you washed your eyes, anyway?  We sure know that we'd like to wash your mouth out with some industrial grade soap.  We know it won't help; you're a potty mouth from way back...anyone can see that.

For the record, none of our mothers wear army boots.

And, no, dumbass, you can't use your old contacts as tooth whitening strips.  I realize that you have only one tooth and the contact fits perfectly.  Just.........no.

You are also not to use these quality contacts as pasties.  Not even if you make them opaque with a sharpie marker, trying to make them look like eyes won't work.  However, if you must do this, be sure to use super glue, you don't your pasties to fall off at the wrong moment, you could go to jail.

I realize that going to jail will fulfill a major sexual fantasy for you, but since this is a family friendly company, that's all we're going to say about that.

Did you really think that calling us 14 times each day would endear us to you?  If so, you were wrong...very wrong.  In fact, we have caller id.  And we have post it notes, thanks to AlGore's dedication and hard work...you see, what we did is we put your stinky phone number on a post it for each customer service person, so we could give you our very best customer service experience.

Clearly you don't understand how to make contacts.  For special eyes like yours, we go to the dollar store and buy a few shower curtains, take out our hole punch, scrape as much rust off of it as will come off and punch those bastards out.  this is why you have to pay for the exam, the follow up, the contacts, the fittings, the Rx, the shipping and the handling.  $69 for each of those items...which should fit into your fantasy land world quite well.

Oh, and did you know?  We know that you're a cheap bastard, but you can not use the same fungicide to clean your cooter as your contacts.  9 out of 10 contact customer service reps recommend:

Good luck, special eye Hot Air Return Vent.
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