Friday, October 26, 2012

MoviPrep, it's what's for dinner...

615 mix and drink 1st course  

Right away I feel the poison racing around my guts...also start feeling a little sleepy, eyes not focusing.  headache.  feeling like glucose is low.
635 drink 2nd course
645, drink 3rd
655 feel urge to fart....tentatively let it go...
703 4th 
708 more urges to fart, wonder if it is safe...not going to tempt fate.
710 wife cooks dinner, mocking me.  Pretty sure that when she needs to go, I'll be on the pot.  haha

711 tummy noises, the urge to fart intensifies.
713 chills
720 cramps
730 first eruption
745 wonder if I need to head back
800 oops, need to change clothes now.  :(

I know that what I ate did not smell like that. yuck

hungry!


One week later:

Moviprep, the dinner for those going in for a colonoscope.  I'll say this, right up front:  None of it is as bad as expected.  Except the smell of the gooselike emissions.  If what I was about to eat smelled as bad as that, I'd skip dinner, thank you very much.  I'm here to tell you that I've never said that my dumpings smelled like flowers, but this was several times worse than normal. The cat was looking around for a dog to blame it on, if you can believe that.  And I've been in the same room when the cat drops his load, and won't cover it.  Proud little fucker.  I should kick his stinky little ass for mocking me.

Ok, so all of that at the very top is notes I took after mixing and taking the prep solution.  The directions state that you can suck on either a lemon or lime wedge or suck on ice right before drinking it.  I didn't find the taste to be a problem, kind of a lemon lime laced with salty pool water.  Rather viscous, it left an unpleasant film in the mouth after drinking.  

I found myself holding my breath after swallowing it; not that it tasted bad, but I knew it was going to be bad.  I wanted it to taste bad because once it was in, it felt bad.  The stuff I was provided is only a quart at night and another quart in the morning...and it comes with a mixing jar.  Reusable, too!  

Directions also say to pay attention to how your body reacts to the gut bomb, since you'll have to time your travel to the clinic between rocket blasts.

BTW, since you have to drink a pint of water after the quart of doom, go ahead and sip hot coffee  after you drink each serving of your delicious supper and breakfast.  It cuts the film of nasty out of your mouth, leaving you much more happy about anticipating the rump reaming you're about to enjoy.  

I kinda quit taking notes because I was more irritated than anything about the whole ordeal.  I'll confess, I was almost hoping they'd find something wrong with the insides of my ass just to sort of justify this whole experience.  

There, the secret is out, my bowels are as healthy as can be, or so they say.  Yay.  I think there's still a little problem there, but I'm not going to tell you about it yet.

I think I finally went to bed about 11, it'd been most of an hour since the last explosion, and yes, I did have to change clothes due to "an accident".  Yeah, my house isn't that big,  I guess I shouldn't have been sitting on that bucket. ;)  I got up about 5:30 and took the first dose right away.  2nd dose was  a bit late, I was tempted to gulp all that crap down right away and be done with it, but I was afraid that there could be severe repercussions, so I didn't.  Interestingly, since there really wasn't anything to move on out, there was no more awful-dead-skunk-next-to-a-hog confinement/turkey farm smell.  I didn't know what to expect, and it's a good thing I paid attention to what was going on, because the intake nurse Ratched wanted to know "what my bowel movements were like".  She also asked how I reacted to IV anesthesia, to which I told her the story of my wisdom tooth extraction, long story short I woke up to the pounding of a hammer and chisel in my mouth.  I figgered after that she'd make a note to give me a little extra.  Nope, that was not the case at all.  Clearly she didn't like me and wanted me to experience a little more of the procedure than most. 

By 9:20 when we departed on the long drive to the clinic (.75 mile) I was hungry, had a headache, was grouchy, irritable, and we hadn't even really started yet.  I took my earpod, cranked some tunes, which helped.  Took my dumbly named ebook device, and thankfully didn't really have time to use it much.

Spent way too long with the nurse asking a whole bunch of questions that should have filled in automatically when the form accessed my medical records.  Why doesn't this happen? GRrrrrrrrrr finally to a different room, undress, put on this gown thingy, keep on your shoes and socks.  Sit and wait. 

CUTE little girl tried a couple times to start an IV thing w/o success.  I did find a small bit of my humor when the dude came to help her, she was saying something about getting a good flash; I replied that I certainly had not flashed her, because I couldn't stand the humiliation.  You had to be there.  Too bad you couldn't see me with the robe thingy on, my light blue hat on, earpod thingy blasting into my ears, I almost didn't hear the scope nurse call me.  I could see just fine, though, and the other guy in there didn't jump up, so I did.  This nurse was nicer to me, even though she was going to have to look at my hairy naked ass.  Poor girl, I should have bought her some flowers.   Or chocolate, but maybe with her job she doesn't like chocolate.  I bet her favorite flower is a tulip...she's from Holland MI.  

At the clinic, everyone asks, where are you from.  I always say:  From down by KMart.  They almost always look confused for a minute...and some of those that don't ask "which one".  To which I reply:  there is only one in town. 

There used to be 2, but it closed before I moved here.  I moved here in 1993. Get with it, people.   Live in the PRESENT!

Tiny little doctor came in, introduced herself, blah blah blah, lie on your left side, etc.  They squirted some stuff in the IV thingy and next thing I know, my eyes are open, I can see a tv sort of, kinda blurry and feel a snake prowling around my guts.  I squint at the tv, it's got a large intestine on it and it seems like I could see the snake in there, too.  Sucks having poor eyesight.





I feel them pulling the snake out, which was different, then I may have dozed off, don't know.  I didn't try to move, but I don't think I'd have been able to move.  I didn't feel anything but the snake moving around in my guts. Weird.  When they turned the bed around, I was awake, they commented on it...I said:  I was supposed to ask how I'd get the results?...blah blah.  They gave me more dope...I don't remember a single thing about the upper scope experience, they said that they change the scope, which is good, because it'd probably taste terrible.  I think I remember them saying something about sending some polyps off to pathology, they must have been nothing to worry about.

Woke up in recovery, got dressed, took off.  We went to John Hardy's for lunch, I ate all of mine and luckily they screwed up the taters for Val, so they brought her another set, I ate those too.  I was really very extremely hungry.  Val dropped me off at home, I sat down to do something or read something but went to sleep instead.  I slept for 3 hours or so, and felt pretty good when I woke up.  BTW, I expected to find some sort of lube, but no, nothing.

The first "real B M" post scopey was a rare treat.  That's about all I'll say about that.  Yuck.  Luckily we were in Plainview at the time, so I got to share it with some dude that stuck his head in.  When I was washing afterwards, I saw a can of spray, so I hosed the place down.  Yep, dude, once I flush, my poo smells like potpourri.  I was worried that I'd have another opportunity to perform, but no, I got to take it home.  

The results were delivered via a email message, I wonder if she would have called if it had been bad news?  I hope so.

Take my advice:  pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

 

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