Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Carnival Breeze Storytime

This is a story about something that happened, and my telling of it is going to be mostly true with some embellishment to make it even more funny.  I hope that is how it will turn out, anyway.

One evening before dinner Val and I were strolling through the Promenade area of the ship, it's deck 5 between the forward and middle elevators.  It's also where they've got all the shopping on the ship.  Deck 5 also has the top level of the main theater, called Ovation, the top level of the atrium, the library, which has a self serve wine bar in it, the Casino, the kids corral, the club thingy, the piano bar and the comedy club. Busy place, huh?  

So we were heading to the candy shop, called "Cherry on Top" and I probably should have taken a picture of that.
Well, AlGore blessed UncleGoogle, I can find a pic of nearly everything and if you think I'm lying, just go to google and ask them to find you a picture of 1000 fleas on a camel's scrotum.  Don't do this at lunch time, please.

I'm pretty sure that this all took place on the same day as the drunkfest that we took part in, a welcome aboard party for the bloggers....open bar for an hour or so....there was no charge for this and I really made good use of it.  Debi and Val did too...Val had about 3 drinks and was pretty loopy.  As always I remained ambulatory, meaning I could navigate my self around the ship without assistance.  It's a good thing, too...because who could carry me???  Anyway, we went back to the room and took a nap and a shower and then went to get candy because clearly we had not yet had enough sugar coursing thru our veins.  

Like I said the other day, we were right off the middle elevators, so it's a quick easy trip to get there...about 12 steps.  Down to 5 and then forward to the shops.  There are lots of stores, a liquor and tobacco store, kind of a drug store with all sorts of things that you might need...kind of a wallymart on the high seas.  There are several clothing stores, jewelry stores, etc.  Often they will have tables of tshirts or watches or chain you can buy by the inch.  We make our way past all of that crap and Val goes right for the jelly belly sour pear beans.  I don't know why.

The joint has nice zipper top bags, and I put some giant sized malted milk balls in one for my enjoyment.

I leave them for Val to buy and head to the door of the store to loiter and see what is going on.  I see a couple (people), mid 20's, average sized, average shaped, average looks, although I wonder if she was a packer's fan...she kinda had that look about her, plus I heard this:

"OMG, someone farted and it really really stinks!"  They went on to discuss how whoever it was just have dropped a load and is currently scraping last nights curry out of their drawers with a stick.  Immediately I look around for John Heald, but didn't see him.  

When I stopped looking around, I realized they were still discussing the state of this person's ass and clothing, and that they were looking at me.  I was acting like I had not heard them, which was hard to do because I wanted to laugh my ass off even though it was not me that had dropped the bomb.  

I walk toward them to prove that it was not me with a quart of processed burrito dripping down my legs, and when I got with a few feet they said, "hey, man, don't go that way....someone died and shit their pants all at the same time."

I replied that I agreed that sounded serious and reversed direction, but it was too late.  Their forward motion and the shifting air currents  of the ship, the atrium thermal currents, the air handlers and suction and pump of the glass elevators caused the cloud of putrid foulness to envelope me.  

I've been around a lot of bad smells.  I've not been to Paris, but I grew up on a farm, we had pigs, I had to clean the farrowing house a few dozen times.  We had cows, we even had chickens for a while.  That was a big mistake.  I worked at the egg place in Lenox, too.  I cleaned the grease trap at McDonalds, and I cleaned a fridge on my birthday that had been full at the time the electricity was turned off in early June. AND I had to repair a toilet 2 times that the retard had shit in for 2 weeks prior to us learning that it was not flushing.  It was full of shit.  That dumbass did this twice!  So now you know that my nose hair has been burned out by malodorous conditions many times.  I'm not new to bad smells is what I'm trying to tell you.  Plus I've been in the bathroom when I've been sitting on the pot....obviously.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Ok, so this cloud of stench encapsulates me and I start flapping, trying to swim out of it.  Somehow the Packers must have only caught the edge of it or they'd be in it still with me...trying to get out.  I'd like to see the security footage of me doing the funky chicken gasping for air trying to get out of the vaporized butt expulsion dance.

You know how usually you don't really notice the air that you breathe?  It's just the old in and out, in and out, maybe you notice if it's hot or smoky or dusty or really humid.  This air, on the other hand?  You notice it.  Right away.  The cloud was somehow firmer than normal air, almost like a gel, kind of a napalm like substance, but somehow still colourless, unlike the inside of that person's pants.  Holy moly, what if it was a girl and she was wearing a short skirt? I bet that skirt flapped up like Marilyn Monroe's did on that street shot thingy.  The rest of the evening I kept trying to scrape off the cloud residue, my skin felt kind of sticky, felt like there was a residue left after the pollution dissipated.

This air was hot, this air was humid.  A lot like the air in a jungle: hot, wet, thick, sticky, and so damn stinky you want to puke.  

I saw an episode of Jackass once, the prank where some dude loaded up his guts with something awful; the intent was to go to a place that sells toilets and use one.  Karma got them before they got there...they drove around before going in, to make sure he was ready to go, if you know what I mean.  Buy they drove too much, and he dropped his load in his pants in the van...and it must have been putrid, because people came piling out of that van puking.  Serves the bastards right, in my opinion.

Finally Val gets done paying for the candy...turns out the shopgirl was filling in for the normal girl's break and didn't know how to sell 2 sacks at the same time, even all the stuff was all the same price....

She steps out and sees me in the throes of what looks to be a grand mal seizure, starts to ask what's going on when I see her and holler to her:  "keep your mouth shut!"

Here's a linky to a video of a couple that prank each other; this sort of applies.

Of course Val doesn't appreciate being told to keep her mouth shut in public no less, and draws in a big breath thru her mouth.  


Should have listened to me, Princess.

She turns green and then blue, because she's coughing and hacking like that time a june bug flew in and did the chicken dance on her tonsils that one time at band camp.  That's another story, friends.  

Finally the air clears and we return to our normal condition....and every time I think of this episode or someone says "fart"  I burst out laughing. 

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