Friday, December 23, 2011

2011 What I don't want for Christmas:

Taking a break from the cruise review to post a (hopefully) humorous listing of what I don't want and why.

Jewelery:  I don't want it because I don't like it, actually.  I wear my glasses and wedding ring.  I've looked at rings, watches, necklaces and I never see anything that I like.  My watch, which I can't find...came from WallyMart, for about $5.  The band:  is leather and fastens with velcro.  The band is the most comfortable watchband that I've ever worn.  But!  I can't find it, so maybe I'd like for someone to find my watch for me as a Christmas gift.

GPS:  I actually enjoy the challenges of navigation.  I don't enjoy buying an electronic device, some means of attaching it to the car, paying extra for map upgrades, paying for "Lifetime" map upgrades, only to find that they don't support the unit anymore, thus rendering it to be useless.  I can see some benefits to it, the POI, for example, but I've followed people using GPS units....and that is another story in itself.

Super duper extra hot sauce.  Don't waste your money on this crap. I don't like it, I won't use it, it'll just sit on my shelf until I throw it away.  Just because I don't think ketchup, catsup, or cocktail sauce to be spicy doesn't mean that I like extra spicy stuff.  I do enjoy somewhat spicy sauces, so if you want to go to John Hardy's and get a jar of "spicy hot" I'd gladly accept it.  I will say that if I use a lot of it and eat the peppers that come with the plate of food sometimes I suffer some GI "discomfort".  Even the cat won't come near me then.

Clothes.  I have too many clothes as it is, and I wear them until they can't be worn any more.  A friend wears a lot of TShirts and discards shirts that still look perfect to me...he's only worn them a couple years! WTH man!  I've got some shirts that I've been wearing for 15 years.  Oh, sure, I didn't wear them much from 97-07;  I had some uniform shirts to wear.  Typically, clothes received at Christmas don't fit, are the wrong colour, style, pattern, or I've got 7 more just like it in the too full closet already. 

Tools.  I have lots of tools.  If I ask for a specific tool, that's what I want.  If it's being sold on an infomercial, or by Sears at Christmas....I don't want it.  One time...I thought I did.  Remember that "cold solder" thingy?  What a POS that didn't work.  Robin and family gave me something a few years ago that also didn't ever work, seems like it was part crescent wrench, part screwdriver, part glue gun and part timing light.  Yeah, it was sold by Sears.  Not really sure what it was supposed to do....other than screw the consumer from their money.  I asked for and received a Black and Decker "mouse" sander one year.  It works as advertised, but like all low quality sanders, has so much vibration that it's painful to use for very long.

What's the deal with the expression:  fits like a glove?  I've never had a glove that fits great.  A better expression would be:  fits like a condom.  Gloves.  Well, those nitrile gloves fit pretty good, but they're a single use item.  Any other glove has always been too long in the fingers, most have been too tight across the palm, and never had one that was perfect in the thumb range of motion.  Never had a condom that didn't fit though.  Oh, sure, most are too short, just secure it around with a foot long piece of duct tape.  Circulation?  no, the duct tape doesn't cut off circulation, the ends of the tape do not meet.  That's just think that I have fat legs.  I have plenty of gloves, don't buy gloves or mittens for me.  Thanks, anyway.  No, don't buy condoms, either.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

HD Tv?  Blue Ray?  HDMI???  no thanks.  Most of the time, I can't tell the difference between cd dvd cassettee vhs.  I was going to include 8 track, but unless the player is really clean, and the tape is really good, it's easy to tell.  I thought DVD would really be a great improvement...but if you stop a DVD in the middle of the movie, it's a challenge to go back to where you were.  VHS?  no problem.  Yes, we still have a VHS, and a lot of tapes.  We don't use them much, Val will occasionally watch on when ironing clothes.  I don't know how to use our DVD player.  BTW, it's also a burner, I thought it'd be clever to record shows onto DVD.  I have no clue how to work the damn thing.  I don't know if it is hooked up correctly.  We do have a XBox thingy, thanks Jim and Debi.  We used it once.  I know it is capable of doing magical things with movies and the like....yep, I put out a fire under the hood of my pickup, replace the alternator and offending wires without breaking a sweat (it always happens about Christmas when the temp is well below freezing), but operate an XBox that any 5 year old can master?  Gives me anxiety and hives and chilblains. 

So, I know you're sitting there thinking:  what a picky bastard.  Glad I'm not buying him a present.  I know you're wondering what was on my list this year.  Here's what I remember:  cake pan w/lid.  Do I need to explain this?  It's not that we make cakes often, but it's good to have a metal pan with a lid to transport stuff.  I want a hose reel for my air compressor.  Currently I use the "ram's horns" style handlebars from an old 10 speed bike to hold my air hose, and it very well.  But it would be nice to hang it up in the rafters, just pull it out to use it, gentle tug to retract it.  I would like an extension cord or trouble light that did that too.  What else would I appreciate?  How about a cd/dvd of pics that you took at a bike rally or topless bar.  ER, I mean a disc or thumb drive of your favorite ebooks or music.  (Unless you only like romance books and country music.)  Yes, as you maybe know, I switched to ebooks almost a year ago.  I've read a couple paper books since then, and about 70 ebooks.  I would also like a home baked pie, jelly or some cookies that are my favorite.  No, I'm not going to tell you what my favorites are.  You have to figger that out on your own.  (It does not end with "berry")

Here's a short list of gifts that I've given over the years to various people.  Diamond earrings, hitch pins, books, dishes, gift certificates, boxes of jello, kleenex, bird feeder (that still isn't being used), gun rack, toaster, birdseed, mixer, other assorted jewelery, scrapbook stuff, nightgowns (flannel!), other assorted appliances, mp3 player, swiss colony crap (does anyone really eat the stuff?),  etc and so on.

I gave the hitch pins to my grandpa, and I think it was the same year that my ex-stepmonster presented him with a box containing a pair of slippers.  It wasn't fair, really, hitch pins against slippers.  She didn't stand a chance.  He wouldn't even open her box.  Here's what you maybe don't know:  Grandpa lived thru the depression, never wore slippers and used hitch pins every day.  (And Jill's still an idiot.)

So, friends and enemies, thanks for reading my blogs.  I don't know why you waste your time with it.  I don't know why I'm narcissistic enough to think you would waste your time with it.  Don't you have something better to do?  I hope you find it entertaining, being a voyeur into my life.  Maybe I have something to teach you.  If I had to guess what that is, the only thing I could come up with is:  don't be like me.  That maybe is too harsh, because I am able to pee without getting my feet wet most days.  I do find typing this to be therapeutic, there are several drafts sitting there never published. 

So thanks.  I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Boxing Day, whatever the hell that is.  I hope you get just what you want for Christmas, whether it's a hug or a snowstorm, or maybe you just want your car to start.  Maybe you want that new tablesaw that Delta is putting out, the one that cuts compound angles and glues the joints at the same time.  Maybe you want the new combination refrigerator/oven/kitchen table/dishwasher/toilet.  Available at Sears, for a limited time only, just $1995.  But wait....we'll double your order and throw in extra durable, 100% recycled TP, which can be used on your sander as 80 grit sandpaper!
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